I really enjoyed it. I like reading poems when people vent, because I know that that is what's coming from them. Nothing else, just them. So, my opinion is, KEEP ON VENTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she ran. she ran from you.
If she was broken apart; she wasn't broken from the start.
You took a knife and shoved it into her heart.
You expected her to die,
but blood ran from her eyes.
She wanted to show you how much she cries.
It was never your fault.
You were too perfect.
You thought she wasn't worth it.
She'd do anything for you,
at all costs.
Her life, love, her soul is all lost.
I really enjoyed it. I like reading poems when people vent, because I know that that is what's coming from them. Nothing else, just them. So, my opinion is, KEEP ON VENTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she ran. she ran from you. (horrible)
If she was broken apart; she wasn't broken from the start. (okay...........)
You took a knife and shoved it into her heart. (Fine.)
You expected her to die, (nice one!)
but blood ran from her eyes. (you got me picturing. good one)
She wanted to show you how much she cries.
It was never your fault. (i like)
You were too perfect. (AMAZING)
You thought she wasn't worth it.
She'd do anything for you,
at all costs.
Her life, love, her soul is all lost.
nice ending not bad..........
7.10
I really liked the rhythm and word choice.
But I think you should have added more. It feels... incomplete.
I'm not one to give long reviews, so I'll leave off here.
Beautiful poem!
THE ALL CAPS TITLE IS REALLY ANNOYING. I DON'T LIKE TO FEEL LIKE I'M BEING YELLED AT.
I think it's just a weensy bit emo/cliche (as the two go hand-in-hand). While venting is buckets of fun, keep in mind that it's not always going to make good poetry--sometimes it's best to just keep it in your journal.
The rhyming was distracting...by all means, continue to rhyme. It's a good thing to learn to do well, and you just need practice. Lots of it. But be careful of forced rhyme. It makes your reader pine for free verse like nothing else.
As Suzanne said, you ought to make your reader feel. What about this story should interest us? Why should we care?
-Colleen
I think this is a really good start for a poem, but it needs a lot more to it. It's poetic, so I certainly think you have a good base for poetry. ^_^ I think you should keep in mind, though, that you want your reader to feel/think. How can your reader relate to the problem of your speaker? What is the problem? The only other thing I noticed is that your rhyming seemed slightly forced, so the poem wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been.
Perhaps with some edits it will be better. ^_^
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